Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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