Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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