omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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