You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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