PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
