I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
