I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
