3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
