To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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