Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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