What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
