Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
