She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
