New invention idea: vibrating tampons
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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