I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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