I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
