he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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