My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
