I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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