He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
