Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
