what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
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I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
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I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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