i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
