I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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