Just cropdusted the office
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
