I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
