my vag is so smooth its legendary
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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