you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
