I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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