We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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