Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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