And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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