why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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