DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he fucked my hip out of place.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
