If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
