I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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