I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Randomize
