So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
