Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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