I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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