he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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