Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Still dying that you shit outside
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
