I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
