The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
