I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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