I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
