I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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