This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
