ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
