wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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