Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
