That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
