I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
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I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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