i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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