please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
