but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
