Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
