Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
