I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
