SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
